Techie sayings

[mstaylor]

Its because all the audio guys are done, and already ran the show and left, you guys just take to long to get your gear in a line.

I come from the concert side of the business and we always said," Lighting, first in, last out."

[cbetlyon]

we are building scenery not changing lives

[natebish]

wise words that i have come to live by.

if it ain't broke, don't fix it! if it is broken, it's probably ten minutes till the top of the show, and you better bust your a** to get it fixed on time.

[gcpsoundlight]

"We are just the Tech Team. You not being able to stay in tune is NOT a tech problem!"

Stolen from a T-Shirt, but very true!

[chausman]

When calming a first time board op, "Its not rocket science, just push go."

[tjrobb]

When calming a first time board op, "Its not rocket science, just push go."

Not to nit-pick, but pushing "GO" killed a light board I was running. Data/voltage fault from the board, through me, through the belt pack, to ground. If only an opto-isolator was used... Ended up with no feeling in my ring finger right hand for a year (where it jumped from me to the pack).

And I quote: "I pushed GO and the lights went disco." The racks were getting bad data after the board died so dimmers were coming up entirely at random. Had to unplug all DMX and power cycle the racks. Ugh.

[bradleywolak]

our motto before a show is "fly casual". Mostly used for sound op and light op, but can be used for all techs in the show

[Hairkid]

"It's a tool AND A TOY!"

[1troubledouble1]

"I can't do anything to fix that."
"Not my fault."
"Strip. Now" (Our Wardrobe Mistress's favorite words)
"Cue sheet? Just go when I tell you."
"Syyyyyyyyyyddneeeeeeyyyy!" (Our resident props mistress/stage techie slave)
"Screw that!"
"Can we add tequila and shotglasses to the prop list?"
"Who's willing to crawl through the traveler behind the set and hold up the set piece for the rest of the show?"
"WHERE'S THE GAFF TAPE!?"
"Well...the door fell. So we just gaffed it back up until we can rescrew it in intermission"
"I'm about to cut an actor."
"WHO. TOUCHED. THE. PROP. TABLE."
"Beat it so it fits, paint it so it matches."
"Where are all of the techies?" "In a pile on the couch in the green room." "Alright, well tell them about five until next change."
"I don't know, I just work here."
"Just once, I'd like to wear something that's not black."
"I can't do anything about the mics, they're right under the stupid monitors."
"I hate everybody"
"Someone kill me now?"
"Break two legs, an arm, and a skull!"
"That seems good enough."
"Can I get someone who actually does stuff?"
"Once we leave...whose gonna be on crew?" (Our Sound Manager/SM (Me)), Light Tech, Props Mistress, and Wardrobe Mistress, as well as the efficient carpenters are all graduating next year)
"Whose making the Blimpie run?" (The only food place within 15 minutes of our school)
"Screw Equity lights, can we get Night Vision Goggles?"
"You can't kill the actors yet."
"Stage Ninjas, Assemble!"
"If everything is going right...you're not looking hard enough."
"Headset breaks...world collapses."
"Sydney is never allowed near sound again." (A first time ASM for a show had a malfunctioing clearcom, and everytime I fixed it, it somehow messed up again)
A personal one: "I can wire a sound system in four minutes. I can build a platform in about fifteen if it's measured. I can do a show with no kind of rudimentary sound check. I can completely set up a prop table in fifteen. And you want me to do lights, the one thing I have no clue what to do? Screw that, find the other black guy." (Who's the resident light tech)

[Tex]

My new favorite: Paint brushes are NOT disposable.

[chausman]

Oh...the house is open? That would have been nice to know... *stops programming and goes to pre-show*

[Nelson]

Oh...the house is open? That would have been nice to know... *stops programming and goes to pre-show*

I've been there ... too many times!

-----------------

We no longer say "Break a leg". A lead actor took us seriously once!

Sometimes I start by saying something like "Ummm, its 7:00 and there are actors on stage. Care to give them some light?" Light op: "I can't find my cue sheet." Me: "Just give them some light, then find your cue sheet!"

Pep talks are not allowed! I usually use that time to review the opening cues with everyone. If I don't, we likely will start the show the way I just mentioned.

[LXPlot]

Oh...the house is open? That would have been nice to know... *stops programming and goes to pre-show*

Ah one shot concerts and performances, how I love thee.

"No, I'm not a sound guy. Just because I know how to work a mixer does not qualify me to rewire your stereo"
"Yes, I'll stop following along with my script and cue master when you start calling cues"
"Look, just because we're painting scenery does not mean I won't find a reason to use the recip saw."

[ValleyTheaterKid]

My favorite is "If crew was any easier, it would be called cast" lolol

What i always say backstage right before a show is "DO WORK SON!!!!!!!!"

[chausman]

My favorite is "If crew was any easier, it would be called cast" lolol

Thank You!

[Robert]

From the darker side of production.
"We're not happy till you're not happy"
"If all else fails, don't forget to pull the manual reset (fire alarm)"

My creation.
"If it was easy, the actors could do it"
"In the dark, on time, under preasure"
"The scenery will be done, when the acting is done"

[MLM97]

Probably one of the best COM conversations we've had during a show

FSO - "Matt... something literally just flew off the spot and into the exhaust fan..."
SM - "Right"
FSO - "What do I do?"
SM - "Is it on fire?"
FSO - "I don't think so... maybe some smoke?"
SM - "It's fine, just ignore it"
FSO - "Fine with me"

or the other night we had this (from the booth, to come to the wing)

Matt.. come downstairs... quick... And bring duct tape... Lots of duct tape..."

[StarbucksAndRedBull]

Before the last show of a run, our TD will gather us in the back shop and give us a pep talk. (For our spring musicals we all say goodbye to the outgoing seniors too.) Then we'll all put our hands in and say "FTC" on three. It's supposed to mean F*** The Cast... but we all say it means For The Crew. (It used to mean F*** The Crew, because we were seemingly underappreciated by the director, and so it became sort of a self-deprecating inside joke.)
And personally, right before scene changes I'll tell myself and fellow crew members "Don't screw this up."
We also say "Work first, safety second, fun third."

[josh88]

two sayings that came out of working at the college scene shop (under a stern, generally no nonsense, but still great guy TD)

"Shenanigans make the day go fun."

When you're being paid to work hours but are between builds often there's nothing to do, which precipitated making roller skates out of 2x4's and casters and making a "shop ball" hoop which is half football half basketball, with a tape ball and without the tackling.

Also a sign which has followed me to all the shops I've worked

"Welcome to the shop of Love and Whimsy"

[shiben]

"Dont wanna, cant make me... ... but I can be bought"

[venuetech]

"Look, It's not Cancer Research..."

[azylka]

"Techies - we do it in the dark" (Please put on your dirty thinking caps)

[zmb]

"Look, It's not Cancer Research..."

This just sounds like a rough day is occurring.

"That would have been great to know earlier."

[chausman]

What is the most common phrase one would say to techies before a show? I would guess not "good luck", but "break a leg" is only for actors, isn't it? Or maybe techies don't go for that sort of thing...I'm just looking to include everyone in pre-show well-wishing.

Has anyone else noticed we've gone almost completely off topic with this thread?

Wow, post 370 to (currently) post 222593!

[sblair]

I ran across this in a theatre years ago and it has always stuck with me....

The Six Phases of Show Production:

1. Enthusiasm.
2. Disillusionment.
3. Panic.
4. Search for the guilty.
5. Punishment of the innocent.
6. Praise and honors for the non-participants.

[CSCTech]

Oh...the house is open? That would have been nice to know... *stops programming and goes to pre-show*

"CSCTech like this."

House crew. "Hey X (Yelling to person at other door across the house), let's open the house."

Me in the booth in the middle of them looking up saying "No...wrong..." to myself.

[chausman]

I ran across this in a theatre years ago and it has always stuck with me....

The Six Phases of Show Production:

1. Enthusiasm.
2. Disillusionment.
3. Panic.
4. Search for the guilty.
5. Punishment of the innocent.
6. Praise and honors for the non-participants.

7. Wonder why we didn't run longer.
8. Be glad it didn't go longer.
9. Be sad because now you have a bunch of stuff to haul somewhere else.

[PeterBuchin]

Can't ya stuff those lumens back in?
Turn off that light, the dark is leaking!
Who let the watts out of that light?

My time is your money.
There's never enough money to do it right the first time, but always enough time to do it again.
We can do that effect - no problem. Where's your blank check?
Time is tickin' and my meter's clickin'.

Sleep is for sissies.
I'll sleep when I'm dead.
We normally work 8am to midnight, 7 days a week. Then there are the weeks we gotta do OT.
Any time can be nap time.

We're in a state of confusion and there's no map out.

You didn't need those cue sheets to be in any particular order, did you?
Ya seen one cue ya seen 'em all.

Slides? We don't need no steenking slides.
Slide shows are never finished - they're abandoned.
I'm a slide jockey: everything I got is 35mm wide.
Projectionists put high-intensity energy through small holes in 20 minute increments.
Slide jockeys ride 'em hard.

It's... Showtime!
Don't make this performance the last one of your career.
Do you really want tonight's show to become an apocryphal story?
SM: House to half, Go. ME: How soon 'til intermission?

The only thing that'll improve this show is free liquor for the audience.
This play is so bad the playwrights' mother disowned him.
How bad is this producer? He applied to idiot school but got rejected.
This show's such a turkey the actors go onstage and say GobbleGobbleGobble.
This show's gonna be so bad they oughta pay Clive Barnes not to come.
That ballerina forgot to clean the pig iron out of her toe shoes.
They had a choice between pretty and talented - but they didn't pick either.
Do ya think this thing would be better if the actor actually knew his lines?

Go find me some 220v gel.
You didn't bring your left-handed adjustable wrench?
That unit needs an upside-down c-clamp.

One match would really improve this scenery.
We tried taking the set to the dump but they turned us away.

Why did the Almighty create 8AM? So you could unload 200' of truck and not feel it.
Get this show on the truck or there won't be any beer in your belly.
We got 45' foot of load and a 40' truck.

[seanandkate]

Do you really want tonight's show to become an apocryphal story?

This enters my lexicon immediately...

[sww1235]

You CAN'T polish a turd, but...




...you CAN roll it in glitter!

actually you can, the mythbusters proved it.

made these nice shiny balls, looked like marbles

[sww1235]

our most popular ones are:
"F*** it, we'll do it live."
"Sh**manship, it's what we do."
"Screw it, we'll dutch it"
"Shhhh MathaF***a"
"There are boats on ships."
"We make you look pretty, you just say what some old guy tells you."
"Can we learn to close a door quietly?"
"Don't sweat the petty things and certainly don't pet the sweaty things."
"Always use a condom...on the body mics."
"Always use protection...use a safety cable"
"Rich people have rounded steps."

If you use condoms, first of all, be sure to buy extra heavy duty ones, the ones that you can't feel anything through, and buy lots. One show I worked on had about 30 channels of wireless (outdoor production) and so the mics would come back with the condoms half ripped off.

also do not send a blond female alone to get said large amounts of condoms. Our ASM said she had some creeper follow her out to her car when she bought out our local grocery store.

[esmphoto]

"Remember, the show must go on...no matter what the audience says."

this one is my favorite so far

[shiben]

also do not send a blond female alone to get said large amounts of condoms. Our ASM said she had some creeper follow her out to her car when she bought out our local grocery store.

Just not at night. We usually ordered multiple grosses of condoms and assorted... other... shall we say, items... Generally sent the two most awkward people out to get them.

One match would really improve this scenery.
We tried taking the set to the dump but they turned us away.

Excuse me, Im painting the set with gasoline. Back in an hour.

[YCTLightTech]

I realize I'm a little late to this parade and quite honestly I haven't, as yet, gone through all of the pages to this, but just the other Opening Night someone was up in the Booth and asked, 'What does one say say to the Techs for 'Good Luck' and the 1st words out of my mouth were 'Blow a fuse!'.

I just had to share.

[MNstudent123]

Our crew recently developed a fascination with the Muppets, as when we panic it looks like a Muppet dancing. (Arms flailing, mouth open in a silent scream etc.) Therefore our pre-show head set check ends with "No mas Muppets, no mas"

[Nelson]

"Is that smoke intentional?"

I had to ask that at load-in last night. Thankfully it was intentional, they were testing the fog machine backstage.

[65535]

I've become fond of this one.

"Stop bleeding all over my stuff. Sinks that way..."

[avkid]

"Do not die, I am not cleaning it up."
(maintenance will do it next Thursday, maybe)

[ruinexplorer]

One of the reasons I don't like working props.

[Nelson]

"Do not die, I am not cleaning it up."
(maintenance will do it next Thursday, maybe)

Dilbert comic strip for 11/09/2006 from the official Dilbert comic strips archive.
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