Techie Bible


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Compiled from around the web, here it is for everyone's enjoyment.

(Revised Standard Version)

In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without form and void, without lights or sets, and lo, the actors came forth, and darkness was upon the face of them. And the TD saith: "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES labored forth with leko, fresnel, cable, and gel, and lo, and there were lights: key, fill, and back, according to the word handed down from the Flies to the tribe of McCandless, two by two, each cleaving to his area, his circuit, and his dimmer. And the TD further saith: "Let there be ellipsoidals on the FOH pipe, fresnels on the faces of the actors, and scoops behind all, giving all a great washing. And let not there be hot spots, fall-off, or shutters upon the faces of the actors, for thus saith McCandless and his ilk: "If you can't see 'em, you can't hear 'em." And the Techies heard the TD, and understood, and pondered these things in their hearts. And they labored, and brought forth a mighty hanging plot and patch chart, and focused according to the Word of the TD. And the TD saw the lights, and saw that the throw was not too great or too small, that the warm gel falleth upon the key and the cool gel falleth upon the fill, that the lights spilleth not upon the curtains, nor upon the audience, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And he saw that it was good--not great, but OK.

And the Morning and the Evening were the First Day.

And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a hard and barren stage, and had no place to Be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Scenery, that these actors might Know Where They Are!" And the TECHIES labored forth with mysterious tools and implements whose meaning was hidden from
all but the Chosen, to wit: dry wall screws and other fasteners which tappeth themselves according to the Word of Archimedes; loose-pin hinges; saws of table, saws of circular, saws of hand, saws of jig, and saws of sabre; knives of mat; wood that bendeth from the far land of Luan, wood that falleth in sheets of ply, and wood that bendeth not, in fours and twos and in fours and ones. And to the Anointed was revealed the Mystery of the Casket Locks, at which many wondered. And lo, the Techies finished their mighty labors, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized according to the need. And after the Time of the Carpenters was the Time of the Painters, with hue and value, tint and shade, warm and cool, upon the surface of the Scenery. And the actors did walk upon the set, and within the set, and wondered at the Texturing--of Spatter, Scumble, and Sponge, all included--of the Painters, and they passed behind the set beyond the Sightlines, and did have a place to Be.

And the TD saw the Scenery, that it Would Do, and the Morning and the Evening were the Second Day.

And the TD saw the actors, that although they walked with the Light and did have a place to Be, they did look meshuggeh for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and yet struck each other with nothing. And in his heart and mind, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!" And the TECHIES labored forth yet again and feverishly did they buy, build, borrow, and pull from stock, and there were Props. And the TD saw that they would not Break when Dropped, and that Consumables would not disappear from the Stage before the Run of the Play was Out, and that, yea, the liquor was not Liquor, but iced tea; the coffee was not Coffee but flat Pepsi, and that the ashtrays were all filled with wet sand according to the Word handed down from the Ancients from the time of Belasco, Daly, and Boucicault. And he saw that they Would Work, and the Morning and the Evening were the Third Day.

And the Director looked upon the actors and saw that they did go forth in ignorance of their nakedness. And the Director begat The Concept, and this (s)he bestowed upon the Costume Designer, and from the concept the Costume Designer begat the Costume Plates, and these she did bestow upon the Pattern Maker with many Words of Wisdom, chief among them was this: "The Costume Shall Be the Visual Identification of Character," and many other wise sayings. And the Cutters and Stitchers toiled and labored and sewed and stitched, with much pricking of thumbs and gnashing of teeth, but yet, they brought forth the Costumes, each sized to the Actor, according to the Play, and keeping in with the Role. And no more did the actors go forth in their nakedness, or, even worse, in Grunge, and the Costume Designer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the Director saw them upon the evening of the Dress rehearsal, and said that they were not devoid of charm, and the Morning and well into the Evening were the Fourth Day.

And the TD watched the play and saw that the audience did wait upon the Beginning in Silence, and was moved to tears. And the TD said, "Let there be Pre-Show Music, and EFX, and Reinforcement at the proper level and equalization!" And the Sound Crew labored with cassette and CD, with mixing board, and the ancient Reel-To-Reel of their fathers' and their fathers' fathers' generation, with splicing tape and crash box and effects generator, both of the newest and oldest Technology, and the TD saw that the Cues were in their proper quality and all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, and knew that the Audience would not wait in Silence, and the the sounding brass and tinkling telephone would come all in their proper Time, and that they were Good, and the Morning and the Evening were the Fifth Day.

And lo, upon the Sixth Day, the Show Opened, and there was much rejoicing. And thus it was revealed to all of that place that all these works were compleated in but five days, proving beyond proof that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished sooner.

And lo, as the year begins, so is the Gaffa Tape delivered unto the TECHIES, who do revere and worship the Gaffa. And, soon, does the Gaffa Tape leave the store, to be used by the TECHIES in pursuit of excellence in their techie activities, and also in various activites with fair TECHIE maidens. And, the head TECHIES do soon become worried at the amount of Gaffa used, for while much use of Gaffa does surely lead to a higher plane of TECHIE existence, the year must be split in two: 6 months of plenty, following the delivery of Gaffa unto the TECHIES, and 6 months of famine, when the Gaffa must surely run out.

We hold this truth to be self evident: That all TECHIES are created superior.

Behold, my son: here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy rehearsing, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.

I. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and sets in the West, (s)he will lose or break them.

II. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script, for as surely as the winds blow, so shall the mind of the director change. Do likewise unto the cues for sound and the cues for light.

III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.

IV. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are unenlightened and will not preceive thy meaning.

V. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with all thy might and with all thy soul, pivoting upon the angle of thy elbow, not thy wrist.

VI. Join not the head of the drywall screw and the #2 Phillips bit of the power screwdriver at an angle, for surely thou shalt strip the head of the screw and screw up the bit.

VII. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If it seemeth that he is, then wait patiently upon the getting of wisdom: you obviously misunderstood him the first time.

VIII. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to sojourn in the land of the dressing rooms and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and there shall be much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments: yours, by the stage manager.

IX. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they are fascinated by anything they do not understand and will stand and watch and be crushed as the petunias underfoot in spring.

X. Beware of actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.

XI. Take not thy cues before nor after their time, but at the proper moment, each in its own time, like unto the musician at his instrument. And cover thy screw-ups with style and grace.

XII. Take pity of the actors, for in their roles they are as children and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor always to speak softly and not in anger, even when they be schmucks.

XIII. Pay careful heed to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done--then do it the way that works. In the nights and days of thy labor, he will see thy wisdom and to himself give credit and rejoice.

XIV. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport or carnival fun-house.

XV. Remember the first performance and keep it holy, for only afterwards shall you party.

XVI. Remember the Strike after the last performance and keep it holy also, for only afterwards so too shall you party.

Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch and to make the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the ac tors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show.

Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.

My friends, be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by with thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage, ever watchful, ever vigilant; they can speak with secret knowledge of Tools; they respect another's craft and aid where they can. They do not just stand and watch but wait to serve.

Go Thous and Do Likewise.


And when God had created light, and sets, and props, and costumes, and the like, God rested, and this sabbath day he named the Cast Party. And the Cast Party was good. But on the morning following this said sabbath, the Lord did rise with pain of head and nausea of stomach, and God did go forth into the lighting booth to take unto himself some Pain-Aid and Pepto from the first-aid kit. And because the Lord had not yet drunk of his heavenly goblet of black coffee, he thought, "I shall make a creature in my likeness, and in the likeness of the Techies, who are already in my likeness, and all shall bring me glory." And God took a handful of Pain-Aid and Pepto and created a being in his likeness, and the likeness of the Techies, wearing many tools and garments of only black. And God saw that his creation was good, and firm of joint, and could see in the dark.

And the Techies did party, and build the new creature a beautiful set in which to dwell, with perfect sight lines, a lowering grid, a turntable, three scrims, showers in the back, and gelchangers in the lights. And God said, "My child, I name thee Bill. Go forth and play, Bill." Bill did go forth and play, and henceforward a being running forth like a child on a set would be called a Play. And God said only, "Run, play, and be fruitful; live in great peace on this beautiful set which my Techies have created. Only heed one warning: thou shalt not play pridefully in the vision of anyone, with the exception of the Techies, who are always watching and well should be."

Bill did play for many nights alone with no one but the Techies for company, and was content. But each time God did fade the sunset special from the western side of the theater, Bill's heart cried more and more in torment. And Bill wept to God, "Lord God who hath created me, who hath clothed me and fed me and taught me the holy ways of wrenches and circuits and hath not troubled me to climb any really tall ladders, Lord God, I am lonely and need another like myself." And the Lord was moved to pity. So he took a pipe wrench and smote Bill upside the head, then clipped a lock of his flaxen hair with a utility knife. He mixed this with some sawdust and two measures of joint compound. And God did stir. He stirred until the grid did quake and the heavens flickered. Thus was created another being in the likeness of Bill, but suave of build and of hair as blonde as the morn. God said to Bill, "My son, I offer you the great honor of bestowing this fine creature a name." "I name him Steve," Bill replied with stars in his eyes.

Thusly became Bill and Steve playmates, and there was much frolic and rejoicing on the set. And God saw that they were good, and was not moved to concern. But Bill and Steve grew fond of their games of charades, and were less and less satisfied with the clear, alert gaze of the Techies. "I want not to be gazed upon merely for my light cues," cried out Bill in great distress. "Ah, and I am such a handsome devil," sighed Steve, admiring his reflection in the lid of a paint can. "What a pity that such beauty should go unappreciated!" And God did shake his great head and chuckle, unconvinced that any of his children should go astray.

One night, when the R78's glowed softly in the fresnels, Steve was stirred to waking by a strange noise. He noticed a shadowy figure standing before him. "Speak, and proclaim thyself!" Steve insisted, leaping to his feet and grabbing a piece of stage artillery from the nearby prop table. "Fear me not," proclaimed the specter. "I am none but a weary traveler, and I have journeyed from afar merely to perceive thy beauty and talent." "You're kidding," quoth Steve, dropping his sword. "Ah, indeed," the figure did continue, "far and wide hath the news spread of thy ability to behave in the likeness of characters other than thyself." Steve replied, "And I thought it was simple schizophrenia!" with some relief. And the figure did pull forth a business card, and when Steve did inquire as to what meant the strange word "agent," the figure replied that he was none but a human being who appreciated a good performance and liked to see other people appreciate it, too. For a small fee, of course.

Steve did act for the agent, and tap dance, and sing, paying no heed to the word of God. The agent brought in some of his family, then friends, and Steve awoke Bill to play a jazzed-up duet of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" fit to make Patti weep. And the Techies did follow Bill and Steve with large round lights, and adjust the sound as necessary, for they understood the word of God and were bound by their God-betrothed duty. The audience did pound their palms together in applause like unto thunder, standing and whistling and shouting for an encore. God was thus awakened from his slumber.

Bill and Steve were aware of the coming wrath of God, and they ran and hid. God sent forth all the Techies to find them.When the Techies did return, they had retrieved not only Bill and Steve but armloads of 8x10 headshots from the lobby and empty bottles of mineral water from the green room. Bill and Steve did cower before God. And God said: Henceforward shalt thou be called "actor," And all thy descendants "actor" as well. Thou shalt wear colorful clothes, And be stripped of the holy knowledge of the Techie. May you marry many times without success. May the tabloids exploit you. May you die lonely deaths in hotel rooms in Vegas, For thou hast fallen from grace. Bill and Steve wept and cried out for redemption, but it was to no avail, for they had sinned in the eyes of God. 44 And their garments became colorful, and sewn with sequins, and uncomfortable, and their faces coated in pancake makeup. And they did forget all that they were taught about being a good Techie, and needed to be spoken to in small words, and could not see even glo-tape in the dark. And the Techies prevailed.

[h2]The Gospel according to Luke[/h2]
Our amps are switched off
The Cans are not patched into the PA
The Masters are down.
The loudspeakers are disconnected

[h2]The Birth of a Techie[/h2]
And lo a parcan in yonder western sky,did shine with `152' light. The nieve Fresher was attracted to its golden glow but alas there was no room at the proj. box."Try the rostra store where ye may well be able to find a place among the old damp sets of yesteryear."so the fair techie child arrived at the portal to the lowly store and stepped through to find its techie parents who had returned for freshers week. The fresher was quickly converted to techieism and began uttering the sacred words of `gaffa',`AJ' and `lecky' were among the prononcements.

And low on the second day three members of the ruling party of techie land did arrive bearing gifts of wonderment.
The first bought the backstage pager for communication is the second most holy virtue.
The second wearing a cape of black velvet bought the sacred roll of gaffa for no techie can be truly fulfilled without the wonderment of the gaffa.
The third addorned in strange headwear bought a strange cable which he described as "shedloads of these to shedloads of these."
The techie was truly amazed and grateful.
The three then left but not before promsing full and comprehensive training tyo all new fresher techies.
At this the techie parents could bare the silence no longer and burst into tears.

On the third day three more wise men/persons arrived.
Instead of gifts they bought pearls of wisdom.
The first,the director,spoke of the promised land,"One day you shall enter the promised land,the new theatre will be completed."
The second spoke of the treatment of lowly things,"Dont drag the chairs across the floor."
The third and finally visitor just stood there in silence for the masters were down and the amps were turned off. So no-one could hear St luke offer to buy a round of drinks.

[h2]The Ten Tech Commandments[/h2]
1 - Love thy gaffa as thou would love thyself.
2 - Honour thy SM and thy director.
3 - Thou shalt not get caught in light.
4 - Thou shalt not talk louder than a whisper.
5 - Thou shalt not covet another tech's headset / torch / blacks.
6 - Thou shalt not drop things from fly tower / catwalk.
7 - Thou shalt not crave sustenance other than coffee and cigarette.
8 - Thou shalt not kill another techie. Actors not inclusive.
9 - Thou shalt assist the actor when walking through the wings of darkness.
10 - Thous shalt be as God like as possible - fast, quiet, efficient.

If you enjoyed this... join the Facebook Group "I live by the Techie Bible"

Perhaps from a different sect, member "zog" wrote at Ye Olde 10 Commandments of Electrical Safety - Mike Holt's Forum:
Ye Olde 10 Commandments of Electrical Safety

1. Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most un-technicianlike manner.

2. Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened and thus tagged, that thy days in this Earthly vale of tears be long.

3. Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou toil are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift thee unto radio heaven

4. Tarry thou not amongst those fools that engageth in intentional shocks, for they are surely non believers and are not longeth for this world.

5. Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou taketh the measure of a high voltage circuit, lest thou incinerate both thyself and thy meter.

6. Take care thou tampereth not with interlocks and safety devices, for this incurreth the wrath of thy supervisor and bringeth the fury of the safety inspector upon thy head and about thy shoulders.

7. Toil not thou on energized equipment, for if thou so doest, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in way not acceptable to thee.

8. Service thou equipment not alone, for electrical cooking is a slothful process and thou mine sizzle in thine own juices for hours upon a hot circuit before thy maker sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold.

9. Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commenceth to glow in the dark liketh a lightning bug and thy wife hath no further use for thee except for thy wages.

10. Causeth thou to be tagged all modifications made by thee upon equipment lest thy successor teareth out his hair and goeth slowly mad in his attempt to decide what manner of creature madeth a nest in the wiring of such equipment.
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I printed a copy to keep in the light booth and now we read a passage from it every show (as well as the half-dozen other rituals that happen).

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